Why everybody needs a dog

Actual email conversation:

ME: WTF
http://yhoo.it/cHymA0
C: We should all put our dogs to the test and see if they will correctly gnaw off the diseased portions of us when we pass out drunk.
ME: I take no bets on this one…
K: I don't think Kimora would take to this test well. She would prefer to call 911. She's a lady like that.
C: Well Pad and Dexter would have to get to the liver, that could be a challenge.
ME: That’s banking on the fact they would know to eat out:
1. The liver and not something else…say, the heart
2. Only the portion of the liver that is bad
K: Lam, you are giving your livers too much credit. You really think there would be enough to save?
ME: Well the alternative is Dexter eats my liver out, bites out a portion of his own, and surgically transplants it into my body.
K: You have essentially taken a story about a dog eating off a toe of some drunk guy to your own dog performing a dog-to-human liver transplant.
ME: And???

Free tattoo

I recently won raffle drawing for a free tattoo. My first concern is that I'm getting a tattoo from a guy who is essentially doing it for free. He has no reason to really do that great of a job because, well, he's not getting paid to do it.

It's like if you asked me to come over and rewire your house. I'd do it, but I would do a much better job if you paid me...because let's face it, nobody likes doing something for free.

I decided I am going to mitigate this by giving my tattoo guy a good tip. The guy that is about to ink me for life should feel appreciated, love, and confident. Heck, I may bring him some herbal tea and massage therapist if it means he wont F up my skin.

The next big consideration is WTF do I get? It's not that I don't have ideas, I'm having a hard time coming up with ideas that I wont think back in 6 years (or 6 months) and want to take a cheese grater to my skin.

I'm considering getting a giant clover on my stomach like Luck Bear (from the Care Bears). CARE BEAR STARE! Who's with me?

Blog down?

If you were wondering why the URL wasn't working, I had to take the blog down until I fixed the CNAME configurations.

My email address is @thinklam.com, which if you had gone to thinklam.com, you would have gone to my blog. No big deal, until I realized my family and coworkers and daughter's friends' parents have my email address. So if they were ever curious and decided to check out thinklam.com, I would probably be burned at the stakes.

Snizzle

I hate sneezing. My wife hates my sneezing because "it sounds like a hurricane". Maybe that's why I hate sneezing. I have to muffle it for her. A muffle sneeze is never the same as a full on "get the f out of my way" sneeze.

We had a long talk about proper way to sneeze. Yes, instead of discussing things like world hunger or campaign finance laws, we discussed sneezing. She says the correct way to sneeze is to force the blast of air through your sinus and nostrils - effectively clearing everything out. I sneeze through my mouth, which does not resolve the initial reason why a person sneezes.

So me, I had to google it because, well, why the f do you sneeze? http://kidshealth.org/kid/talk/qa/sneeze.html:

When the inside of your nose gets a tickle, a message is sent to a special part of your brain called the sneeze center. The sneeze center then sends a message to all the muscles that have to work together to create the amazingly complicated process that we call the sneeze.

Ok, maybe there's some thought behind the whole "lets blow your brains out" sneeze. The next opportunity I had, I tried this new sneeze all the kids were doing. I failed a few times so I thought I'd practice. (BTW, clenching your jaw works). So the time came...

Holy sweet Martha, I thought my eyeball would pop out...along with a nut. Wifey, FAIL.

The mysterious nuoc mam

Vietnamese nuoc mam is the best fish sauce ever. Anthony Bourdain says so. It was a staple in my diet growing up and I have continued the trend. I forget some times that most Yanks have never had any experience with it before.

What most people don't know is nuoc mam is also an offense weapon. Think: concentrated rotten fish (since that's what it essentially is).

I have a bottle with me at work...not because I actually use it on any dishes, but as a reminder to all my coworkers that I am not to be trifled with.

A coworker thought it would be funny to send a company wide email...from my computer when I wasn't in my office one day. I got the last laugh though.

I poured a shot of nuoc mam into his coffee cup, which he spat out...all over his office and pants. Now he has the affectionate nickname "Tuna Crotch".

The sound of one hand clapping

I'm always a little surprised by life's little inventions. For example, who invented clapping? Who was the genius who devised the concept that two open hands smacking together would be a nonverbal way of communicating joy or approval? Did he name the clap after himself?

I want to invent a new social norm but I've accepted the fact that I am not smart enough to do so. I figure I'll piggy back off of an existing idea...like the hand clap. I've been spending my days at work of coming up different ways to clap that could catch on - and I think I've come up with it!

Introducing the Thigh Clap. That's right, you guessed it. This new and amazing way to show your appreciation and acceptance will surely surprise and amuse your audience. Benefits of the Thigh Clap over the tradition (old) method of clapping are simple to see:

1) More surface area translates to a louder clap
2) People with no hands will finally be able to show their appreciation
3) It could substitute as a plyometrics workout

The only problem is this technique is only effective if you are wearing a skirt. Time to go shopping!

Tic Toc

Some days, I don’t do anything. That’s not to say I don’t have things I should be doing. I just don’t do anything. On those days, I like to play games with myself to pass the time.

My favorite game is to try to be looking at a clock when it says 11:06 (my birthday). It has to be a digital clock because, well, using hand clocks defeat the purpose. I’ve gone so far as to set reminders on my Outlook calendar to remind me at 11:05, but I turned that off because the game isn’t as fun.

One other game I like to play is to stand directly behind someone and gently blow. The trick is to get the right amount of saliva, or it ruins the effect. I ruined it once by sneezing at the worst time possible. The only way I could think of to make them not think about the fact that I just sneezed on their neck was to cause a diversion. So I burped. It was tuna. Then I turned around and skipped down the hallways. Or maybe it was a shuffle.

Oh my, tis a wee bit nipply in here

The scientific process of "nipping out" has always intrigued me. Why is it that this one very specific portion of the human body react so intensely to changes in the weather? And why does it always draw the human eye there?

I was shooting pool a few days ago and was wearing a shirt that a 10 year old could probably fit. I chose this shirt on purpose because it was a pool league night and I like to psych the competition out. Before the match, I dipped my fingers into some ice water and rubbed them on my nipples.

Besides the rush of emotions I felt, I got the reaction I wanted; some nice nippling out effect. When I went to go meet my opponent, his eyes drifted down to my chest.

"Yes sir, those ARE indeed some pointed nipples. Now, lets go shoot some pool."

Eggs Benedict, hold the baby please

My friend gave me a daily "Would You Rather" calendar for Christmas. My good buddy also received one. We discuss them like Socrates discussed philosophy:



C: How awkward would it be to put jam on a baby and start eating it?
ME: There's only one way to find out.
C: Next time we go to Tom's Pancake House let's ask for a side of baby.
ME: We’ll put it up next to an English muffin and see if you can tell the difference.
C: "C, NO!!!!!!!! That’s my kid….not a tasty breakfast pastry."

Awkward is awkward to spell

I hate super long hallways at work. Inevitably, someone will be coming down the other end at the same time you are. You want to be polite and say "hi", but when do you do it? Do you acknowledge them as soon as you see them? Do you do the lame hand flip and then a "hello" when you're closer? Worse yet is when you make eye contact and hold onto it until you past each other. Awkward...

I once had a dream in which I was in the same hallway but instead of a coworker coming out, there were two rottweilers. They were the mean kind, the ones that you see on TV that roam around the haunted junkyard. My first thought was

That's one ugly dog.

One of the dogs turned and looked at me because apparently dogs can read minds. He got this really menacing look on his face. So I thought

If you can read my mind, start giving it to your gay doggy pal.

And he did. Oh boy did he ever. So there I was, in a long hallway, watching two gay dogs do it.

I want to live on the big screen

"A movie is great if it can illicit an emotional response from the viewer"

I don't know if anybody actually said that quote, but if no one has, than I said it.

After I watched Transformers in the theater, I came home REALLY depressed. In fact, I may have been welling up in the eyes a bit. My wife asked me what was going on. I told her that I was sad that Transformers weren't real and that my life sucked because I'm not friends with Optimus Prime.

We went to the store and she let me buy some Transformers to make me feel better.

Nobody loves me, everybody hates, I guess I'll go get drunk

Apparently the only person who has commented on my blog was my own wife and after reading my blog, she's pretty sure I'm insane.

I just realized the comments link wasn't working correctly (thanks blogger). Try it now. If it doesn't work, disable (or add my domain) your pop up blocker.

I eat Lam(b)

I always had this thing against eating lamb. I felt it was a bit cannibalistic since I'm a Lam (no "b"). In fact, I wouldn't go into the wool store at the mall where all of the products were made from lambs because the thought of seeing my distant cousin hanging on a clothing rack made me shiver.

About a year ago, my mother-in-law wanted to make me a birthday dinner and had a nice lamb she wanted to cook. I wasn't enthusiastic about it but I wanted to be polite. My wife ended up telling her the reason why I was apprehensive about eating lamb. I wasn't sure if the look was of confusion or more of "why did you marry this guy".

So I ate the lamb. Everybody said it was delicious (cringe). Being that I never had lamb before, I wasn't sure what to expect. I excused myself from the table after the second bite, ran into the bathroom, and licked my arm to see if there was any resemblance in taste. I swear to you that it was so similar, I challenge you to lick my arm and compare.

Friends Forever

To keep my sanity at work, I email my friends outside of this company. Last week, I began to question whether that technique was working. I changed the names in the email to protect the innocent. (But if you try really hard, you'd figure it out)

ME: Have you guys ever questioned your sanity?

C: Have you ever met me? I'd be insane not to.

K: I think only ever twice. One of which was recent. Why?

ME: I read through some old blog posts from an old blog I used to maintain. I should be given a straight jacket. C, I blame you for the fact that I should be committed.

C: That's like blaming the distiller when you get a DUI.

ME: Do you think they make duo straight jackets so that we can be liked conjoined twins?

C: That would be awesome. Together forever.

ME: Matching tattoo time?


K: Is [my wife] okay with the fact that you two are clearly gay for each other?

And mind you, I'm married...to a woman.

I can kick higher than you can kick

I took Tae Kwon Do when I was 12. I chose this martial arts form because it was the cheapest and my parents instilled in me that saving money was more important than picking a martial arts that better suited me. I lasted a few years until my desire to stay at home during the week night to watch "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" overcame my desire to whoop some ass.

When I was in college, I wanted to get in shape so I took Goju Ryu from Sensei Chinen, the only guy to ever make Chuck Norris cry. Sensei Chinen was so awesome that he recognized my skillz early on, and therefore, relentlessly picked on me. The one lesson I will always remember is this: just because I think I'm bad ass doesn't mean I really am.

You know what's also a good lesson? Taking martial arts doesn't mean you know how to fight. I know a few people who have taken martial arts for the better part of a decade. Yeah, they have great confidence and great form technique, but let's face it, what they know is confined by the rules of tournament combat.

In a real world fight, there's no ref to signal a stop. There's not rules of combat. Just the desire to survive. That's why if Chuck Norris hid a rock of meth in his butt crack, Crystal-Meth Tweaker > Chuck Norris.

I write for the universe

I'm pretty sure no one has read my blog. In an odd way, its refreshing. I can say something like:

I had a dream in which Big Foot killed a giant albino alligator and forced Ronald McDonald to skin it and wear it because Big Foot had a clown - albino alligator fetish.

And nobody will judge me for having this dream.

Cook me some pho

If you haven't sleuthed my blog title, pho is a Vietnamese rice noodle soup. It's about as traditional Vietnamese as most Americans are willing to try (although YOU may be the exception). My friends and I like to see the different variations with the word "pho" that we could include in the name of our future pho restaurant:

- Pho-get About It
- Pho King Specials (we actually used this as a team name)
- Pho Me? No Pho You!
- What the pho?

Jimmy Chew shows you how to make pho here (CAUTION: profanity and probably NSFW):

Digital Leash

I was recently given a work phone to carry around. To be exact, its a Blackberry Tour. The phone is pretty spectacular, although I am not as enthusiastic about it as my coworker who was also bequeathed one - probably because my personal phone is an iPhone.

I spent the two hours with it sitting on my desk, in it's box. I wasn't sure what to do with it. Its not like I was scared of it or anything, I just had this underlying fear that I would succumb to the Crackberry phenomenon.

People with this addiction would make you believe their Blackberries' are an extension of their professional persona. They were given the absolute power to respond to emails from virtually anywhere:

Me: Hey John, can you swing by my office to pick up the Alaska file?
John: n a bit, i m in the bthrm
Me: Ok, I'll just catch you later
John: no, no, its kewl, i'll stop by when i m done

My next present to John is going to be a package of sanitizing wipes for his phone.

How to make a box from a bigger box (boxlings)

I tried shipping something today in a used Dell box that someone left in a conference room. It had tape on it that said “if this seal is broken, inspect contents before accepting”. At the mention of breaking a seal, I stopped on my way back and used the bathroom.

I went back to my office and placed my item in the box, taped it up, slapped on my shipping label and went to the post office. The lady behind the counter said she wouldn’t take it because I already broke the seal (I think a little pee may have slipped out).

I went back and searched all three floors that we occupy and finally conned IT to giving me another box (Amazon, not Dell). The problem was it was too big. So I lit a candle, put on some Barry Manilow, and channeled my inner MacGyver. I managed to cut and fold the box into the right size (although none of the corners are a true square). Four layers of tape later, I was done. I reslapped on my shipping label and trotted down to the post office to show off what I made during arts and craft time. Too bad they were closed for lunch.

And so it begins

I rejoin the world of blogging today. One of my resolutions was to start a blog and actively update it. While I was using Facebook as a micro-blog, you can only enter in so much into that itty-bitty status field. Here, I have the full glory of unlimited space to entertain you. So whether you visit once or often, stayed tuned...