Why everybody needs a dog

Actual email conversation:

ME: WTF
http://yhoo.it/cHymA0
C: We should all put our dogs to the test and see if they will correctly gnaw off the diseased portions of us when we pass out drunk.
ME: I take no bets on this one…
K: I don't think Kimora would take to this test well. She would prefer to call 911. She's a lady like that.
C: Well Pad and Dexter would have to get to the liver, that could be a challenge.
ME: That’s banking on the fact they would know to eat out:
1. The liver and not something else…say, the heart
2. Only the portion of the liver that is bad
K: Lam, you are giving your livers too much credit. You really think there would be enough to save?
ME: Well the alternative is Dexter eats my liver out, bites out a portion of his own, and surgically transplants it into my body.
K: You have essentially taken a story about a dog eating off a toe of some drunk guy to your own dog performing a dog-to-human liver transplant.
ME: And???

Free tattoo

I recently won raffle drawing for a free tattoo. My first concern is that I'm getting a tattoo from a guy who is essentially doing it for free. He has no reason to really do that great of a job because, well, he's not getting paid to do it.

It's like if you asked me to come over and rewire your house. I'd do it, but I would do a much better job if you paid me...because let's face it, nobody likes doing something for free.

I decided I am going to mitigate this by giving my tattoo guy a good tip. The guy that is about to ink me for life should feel appreciated, love, and confident. Heck, I may bring him some herbal tea and massage therapist if it means he wont F up my skin.

The next big consideration is WTF do I get? It's not that I don't have ideas, I'm having a hard time coming up with ideas that I wont think back in 6 years (or 6 months) and want to take a cheese grater to my skin.

I'm considering getting a giant clover on my stomach like Luck Bear (from the Care Bears). CARE BEAR STARE! Who's with me?

Blog down?

If you were wondering why the URL wasn't working, I had to take the blog down until I fixed the CNAME configurations.

My email address is @thinklam.com, which if you had gone to thinklam.com, you would have gone to my blog. No big deal, until I realized my family and coworkers and daughter's friends' parents have my email address. So if they were ever curious and decided to check out thinklam.com, I would probably be burned at the stakes.

Snizzle

I hate sneezing. My wife hates my sneezing because "it sounds like a hurricane". Maybe that's why I hate sneezing. I have to muffle it for her. A muffle sneeze is never the same as a full on "get the f out of my way" sneeze.

We had a long talk about proper way to sneeze. Yes, instead of discussing things like world hunger or campaign finance laws, we discussed sneezing. She says the correct way to sneeze is to force the blast of air through your sinus and nostrils - effectively clearing everything out. I sneeze through my mouth, which does not resolve the initial reason why a person sneezes.

So me, I had to google it because, well, why the f do you sneeze? http://kidshealth.org/kid/talk/qa/sneeze.html:

When the inside of your nose gets a tickle, a message is sent to a special part of your brain called the sneeze center. The sneeze center then sends a message to all the muscles that have to work together to create the amazingly complicated process that we call the sneeze.

Ok, maybe there's some thought behind the whole "lets blow your brains out" sneeze. The next opportunity I had, I tried this new sneeze all the kids were doing. I failed a few times so I thought I'd practice. (BTW, clenching your jaw works). So the time came...

Holy sweet Martha, I thought my eyeball would pop out...along with a nut. Wifey, FAIL.

The mysterious nuoc mam

Vietnamese nuoc mam is the best fish sauce ever. Anthony Bourdain says so. It was a staple in my diet growing up and I have continued the trend. I forget some times that most Yanks have never had any experience with it before.

What most people don't know is nuoc mam is also an offense weapon. Think: concentrated rotten fish (since that's what it essentially is).

I have a bottle with me at work...not because I actually use it on any dishes, but as a reminder to all my coworkers that I am not to be trifled with.

A coworker thought it would be funny to send a company wide email...from my computer when I wasn't in my office one day. I got the last laugh though.

I poured a shot of nuoc mam into his coffee cup, which he spat out...all over his office and pants. Now he has the affectionate nickname "Tuna Crotch".

The sound of one hand clapping

I'm always a little surprised by life's little inventions. For example, who invented clapping? Who was the genius who devised the concept that two open hands smacking together would be a nonverbal way of communicating joy or approval? Did he name the clap after himself?

I want to invent a new social norm but I've accepted the fact that I am not smart enough to do so. I figure I'll piggy back off of an existing idea...like the hand clap. I've been spending my days at work of coming up different ways to clap that could catch on - and I think I've come up with it!

Introducing the Thigh Clap. That's right, you guessed it. This new and amazing way to show your appreciation and acceptance will surely surprise and amuse your audience. Benefits of the Thigh Clap over the tradition (old) method of clapping are simple to see:

1) More surface area translates to a louder clap
2) People with no hands will finally be able to show their appreciation
3) It could substitute as a plyometrics workout

The only problem is this technique is only effective if you are wearing a skirt. Time to go shopping!

Tic Toc

Some days, I don’t do anything. That’s not to say I don’t have things I should be doing. I just don’t do anything. On those days, I like to play games with myself to pass the time.

My favorite game is to try to be looking at a clock when it says 11:06 (my birthday). It has to be a digital clock because, well, using hand clocks defeat the purpose. I’ve gone so far as to set reminders on my Outlook calendar to remind me at 11:05, but I turned that off because the game isn’t as fun.

One other game I like to play is to stand directly behind someone and gently blow. The trick is to get the right amount of saliva, or it ruins the effect. I ruined it once by sneezing at the worst time possible. The only way I could think of to make them not think about the fact that I just sneezed on their neck was to cause a diversion. So I burped. It was tuna. Then I turned around and skipped down the hallways. Or maybe it was a shuffle.