Snizzle

I hate sneezing. My wife hates my sneezing because "it sounds like a hurricane". Maybe that's why I hate sneezing. I have to muffle it for her. A muffle sneeze is never the same as a full on "get the f out of my way" sneeze.

We had a long talk about proper way to sneeze. Yes, instead of discussing things like world hunger or campaign finance laws, we discussed sneezing. She says the correct way to sneeze is to force the blast of air through your sinus and nostrils - effectively clearing everything out. I sneeze through my mouth, which does not resolve the initial reason why a person sneezes.

So me, I had to google it because, well, why the f do you sneeze? http://kidshealth.org/kid/talk/qa/sneeze.html:

When the inside of your nose gets a tickle, a message is sent to a special part of your brain called the sneeze center. The sneeze center then sends a message to all the muscles that have to work together to create the amazingly complicated process that we call the sneeze.

Ok, maybe there's some thought behind the whole "lets blow your brains out" sneeze. The next opportunity I had, I tried this new sneeze all the kids were doing. I failed a few times so I thought I'd practice. (BTW, clenching your jaw works). So the time came...

Holy sweet Martha, I thought my eyeball would pop out...along with a nut. Wifey, FAIL.

The mysterious nuoc mam

Vietnamese nuoc mam is the best fish sauce ever. Anthony Bourdain says so. It was a staple in my diet growing up and I have continued the trend. I forget some times that most Yanks have never had any experience with it before.

What most people don't know is nuoc mam is also an offense weapon. Think: concentrated rotten fish (since that's what it essentially is).

I have a bottle with me at work...not because I actually use it on any dishes, but as a reminder to all my coworkers that I am not to be trifled with.

A coworker thought it would be funny to send a company wide email...from my computer when I wasn't in my office one day. I got the last laugh though.

I poured a shot of nuoc mam into his coffee cup, which he spat out...all over his office and pants. Now he has the affectionate nickname "Tuna Crotch".

The sound of one hand clapping

I'm always a little surprised by life's little inventions. For example, who invented clapping? Who was the genius who devised the concept that two open hands smacking together would be a nonverbal way of communicating joy or approval? Did he name the clap after himself?

I want to invent a new social norm but I've accepted the fact that I am not smart enough to do so. I figure I'll piggy back off of an existing idea...like the hand clap. I've been spending my days at work of coming up different ways to clap that could catch on - and I think I've come up with it!

Introducing the Thigh Clap. That's right, you guessed it. This new and amazing way to show your appreciation and acceptance will surely surprise and amuse your audience. Benefits of the Thigh Clap over the tradition (old) method of clapping are simple to see:

1) More surface area translates to a louder clap
2) People with no hands will finally be able to show their appreciation
3) It could substitute as a plyometrics workout

The only problem is this technique is only effective if you are wearing a skirt. Time to go shopping!